Toys

It's so real when it dies down
It's so real when you're around...


I sure was immensely distracted that day. I would absentmindedly slide the screen of my Blackberry up and down, or if not, would periodically press the side keys to keep the screen illuminated. After a while, I finally got my hands off the spent phone and shifted my focus to my computer. I was, after all, to deliver so many things that day. But the mind never fails at being playful---my eyes would always dart to the spot where I put the gadget to rest, very certain that my peripheral vision just captured a swift, red blink. I would stare intently beside the light sensor to see if it was real. Of course, it wasn't.

I had been spending the past hour checking my phone for new messages. Oddly, those thirty minutes felt one of the longest in the recent past.


...You're shining there, you're lying there
I can't look down, I feel like I have left the ground...


It's self-depreciating, looking back. I stumbled upon you on Twitter and immediately hit the follow button, believing that you were someone I had deep admiration for. You expressed your thanks. We talked and exchanged a few innuendos when you decided to send a direct message. You felt uncomfortable publishing less-than-innocent items on your timeline. The talking continued. You were a good conversationalist, and so was I, my natural response to wit and good grammar.

By this time I was sure you were not who you were supposed to be. You were not someone I knew. Days passed. You continued to sound smart and interested. I felt flattered. You wanted to meet. We decided to have dinner the coming week.


It’s so real. Will it ever be this good?
It could never be like you
Cause you made it all come true
It could never be like you


You wanted a photo. It was only fair, having seen quite a few of yours, all posted somewhere down your timeline. I didn't want to give you a link to my Facebook profile, so I suggested a hi-hello-good night video chat on Skype. You agreed.

I went online that night. I didn't want any pretensions. I didn't fix myself like I always did when I was younger. I wanted you to see the regular me. But the lighting was bad. You said it was okay; you have seen my face. We exchanged our good nights and went offline.

The smart conversations ensued. We confined ourselves via direct messages on Twitter, perhaps having that unspoken, mutual understanding that some things were to remain private. You brought smiles to my face. A new week came, and I was looking forward to dinner as agreed upon.


Like you,
Cause you made it all come true
It could never be like you...


Then, things changed. You were not as responsive to my messages as you used to be. You were no longer initiating conversations. I was getting one liners. It must be your exams, I thought. One last stretch before graduation. You needed focus. That was fair and due, I thought.

Something didn't feel right, though. I visited your profile and checked your tweets. There, I saw you exchanging some similar innuendos we previously shared with some others. There was no way you could have missed my messages, seeing how active you were online. A smile twisted my rather expressionless face.

These kinds of social relations cling to the superficial for its very foundations. It had nothing to hold on to apart from this depthless idea. It's only what we see, what we only know, so we build our beliefs and desires around it. It serves as our truth. All along, I knew. I was willing to play the game, and as always, I lost.

A smile twisted my rather expressionless face, out of self-disappointment. I was making the same mistakes again.


Like you, like you...
Cause you made it all come true
It could never be like you.